Understanding trauma after the sudden and unexpected death of a baby or young child
The sudden and unexpected death of a baby or young child can be deeply traumatic. There is no right or wrong way to respond, everyone’s experience is unique.
For as long as we can remember, we had always wanted to become parents. When we found out we were expecting Samuel, it was just three days after Evie’s 19th birthday. It was the best birthday present ever. We were so happy and excited for our future family and couldn’t wait to meet our baby.
The pregnancy with Samuel was difficult in some ways, as Evie was extremely sick throughout the first five months. Despite how poorly she felt, she loved knowing that she was carrying our baby, and we spent the pregnancy imagining the life we were going to have together.
Throughout the pregnancy, Evie collected rubber ducks because she called him her little duckling. The ducks became such a special part of Samuel’s story and something that we still use to remember him today.
We also had a huge gender reveal, where we found out we were having a boy. We were so excited to find out that our little baby was a son. We named him Samuel because his name is connected to Evie’s dad. “Sam” comes from her dad’s initials, which made his name especially meaningful to us.
When Samuel was born, he brought so much love and light into our lives. He really was a dream come true. After wanting to be parents for so long, finally having our own baby was the most amazing feeling. Samuel was 6lb 14oz and 51cm long. He was so little yet so long! He had huge hands and feet, a wrinkly forehead and the cutest little button nose. He was our gorgeous little ginger boy.
Samuel was such a cuddly baby. He made the cutest little noises, and he sounded like a little lamb. He looked exactly like his daddy, which made him even more precious to us. He was also such a nosey little boy. He always wanted to know what was going on around him, and we called him Safari Sam, a nickname that followed on from one of his dad’s nicknames.
One of our favourite memories as a family was just three days before we lost Samuel, when we went to Doncaster races together. That day will always be one of our favourite memories of our family. It was the most perfect day. At the time, we had no idea that it would become one of our most precious memories of our family, but we are so grateful that we had that day together.
We also treasure every photograph and every little thing we have of Samuel. When you lose your baby, you become so aware of how precious those tiny things are. Things that might have seemed ordinary before suddenly become priceless. We still remember the smell of Samuel, too. There are certain smells and little memories that can take us straight back to holding him. For a moment, it feels like he is close again.
Samuel changed us in so many ways. We gave our baby our absolute all. Everything we did was for him, and becoming his parents was the most important thing that had ever happened to us. We didn’t just love Samuel; we loved being his mummy and daddy. Every little thing about him mattered to us. We wanted to protect him, watch him grow and give him the best life we could. Being his parents was the greatest privilege of our lives.
Samuel was only with us for 22 days. The day Samuel passed away, our hearts broke into a million pieces. We woke up to find Samuel unresponsive and unconscious, and Evie had to perform CPR and mouth-to-mouth on him. This is a pain we will never be able to describe. We were completely heartbroken and felt so lost. Losing our son broke us down in so many ways.
It took around 10 months for us to finally receive Samuel’s post-mortem results. They never found a reason as to why our baby passed away, and his death was recorded as sudden infant death syndrome.
Knowing there was no cause left us with so many unanswered questions. We didn’t really understand sudden infant death and what it meant, and we still don’t think we will ever truly understand why our baby died. When there is no explanation, you are left trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.
The day we went home without Samuel, Evie couldn’t physically bring herself to stay in the house. She couldn’t stay there for three months. Everything was filled with memories of our baby, and suddenly we were expected to be in a home where he should have been. We kept praying for a miracle to happen, but it never did.
One of the hardest things about losing Samuel is knowing that we don’t get to watch him grow. We don’t only grieve the big things we will never experience. We grieve the ordinary things too. We wanted to hear him call us Mummy and Daddy, take him to school, watch him make friends, celebrate his birthdays, watch him reach his milestones and see what kind of person he would become. We had imagined his whole life ahead of him, and suddenly all those plans stopped at 22 days.
But we are so grateful for every second we did have. We got to be Samuel’s mummy and daddy. We got to cuddle him, hear his little lamb noises, look at his beautiful face and love him with everything we had. Twenty-two days wasn’t long enough, but it was long enough for Samuel to change our entire world.
Samuel’s funeral was a representation of the person he was. It was bright, colourful and full of ducks. We had the people there who had made his 22 days so incredibly special, and it was a beautiful way of celebrating the little boy he was and the love that surrounded him.
The day before Samuel’s funeral, Evie became extremely poorly with sepsis. She was in hospital and was so unwell that she was unable to walk. Somehow, on the day of his funeral, she found the strength to get through it. We feel like Samuel gave her that strength.
We had never known anyone to go through anything like this, and we felt incredibly alone. One of the biggest things we want other parents who have lost a baby to know is that you are never alone. We first heard about The Lullaby Trust when Samuel was having his post-mortem. About a week or so after he passed away, we worked with a lovely lady at Calderdale Hospital who told us about The Lullaby Trust and gave us so much information about them.
The Lullaby Trust has been extremely helpful to us because we always had someone we could talk to about our baby. They gave us so much information about sudden infant death, which helped us try to understand what had happened. When you lose your baby and there isn’t an explanation for why they died, you are left with so many questions. Having somebody who understood and could talk to us about Samuel and SIDS made us feel less alone.
It has now been 14 months since we lost Samuel, and we’ve learned that time doesn’t heal the pain. We don’t move on from losing our baby. Instead, we learn how to carry his love with us and honour him in so many different ways. We still have difficult days where doing the most simple tasks can feel impossible. Grief doesn’t just disappear with time. But we remember that we promised to live life for Samuel, and that helps us keep going.
Samuel is still such a huge part of our lives today. We decorate his resting place every month and every season. We make it bright and colourful with lots of ducks. Whenever we see a duck, we think of Sam. Every duck we take to his resting place feels like another little way of showing our baby that we haven’t forgotten him.
Evie goes to see Sam’s resting place almost every day. She takes him new ducks, fresh flowers and little things in his memory. We want his resting place to represent the bright, happy little boy he was and the love that surrounded him.
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We also talk about Samuel and remember him in our everyday lives. We never want him to be forgotten. We want people to know that Samuel was so much more than the way he died. We want other parents who have lost a baby to know that you are not alone. We know how lonely it can feel, especially when you’re young and you’ve never known anybody else who has experienced something like this.
Evie
There are still days where we don’t feel like we can do the simplest things, but we remember the promise we made to Samuel: to live our lives for him. If Samuel’s story can help even one family feel less alone, then sharing his story is something we will always be proud to do. We want Samuel’s story to be remembered. We want people to know his name, to know who he was and, most importantly, to know how incredibly loved he was.
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Ruby’s story
Ruby lives near Leicester with her partner Jacob, and her daughters Roma and Rosabella. She spoke to us about Ralphie, her middle child, who died when he was a couple of days old.
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