Tell me a bit about you
I’m a receptionist at a GP surgery, but I’m on maternity leave at the moment looking after little Rosabella. I’ve always loved babies. I vividly remember looking after my little brother because I was 12 when he was born. I then went on to have Roma when I was 17, which was a huge shock at first, but when I found out she was a girl, I was so excited to be able to dress her up!
Can you tell me about Ralphie?
Ralphie was born on 30th March 2025 at nine pounds. His pregnancy was funny from the beginning. There were various complications, and it felt really different to my other pregnancies. I had high blood pressure and reduced movements at various points, but was told that they didn’t need to do anything. He was born lifeless and was put on life support. What’s worse, is I was on a post-natal ward full of crying babies. So many things went through my head; it’s a lot to process.
After he died, I kept thinking I could see him breathing, but it’s just what I wanted to see. I felt like I was going mad, but I was just in shock.
We’ve since found out that his death could’ve been prevented. It’s so difficult to know that if one thing had been done differently, he might still be here.
How have you been since?
It’s been a very tough time. You see stories of baby loss online, but you never expect it to happen to you. Jacob and I both grieved in different ways. I loved talking about Ralphie, but Jacob didn’t. This led to difficulties in our relationship, and we were only 20 and 21. Our family and friends were there to support us but Ralphie’s death had a huge impact on them too. We just tried to be there for each other as much as we could.
How did you tell Roma about what happened to Ralphie?
Telling our daughter that her sibling has died was so difficult. When Roma first met Ralphie, she kept telling him to wake up. She asked me why Ralphie had to go to heaven, and was confused why her little sister, Rosabella, got to come home and Ralphie didn’t. I just didn’t have the answers. She once picked up a feather from outside and said ‘look what my baby brother’s sent me’.
She was only two when Ralphie died but she was amazing. She’s had to experience a lot of change, and had to spend all that time with me when I just wasn’t myself. As much as I tried to be strong for her, I was grieving.
What was your pregnancy with Rosabella like?
Pregnancy after loss was awful. I was constantly worrying. Because of what happened to Ralphie, I was constantly worried that I’d come out of this pregnancy without a baby. It was really helpful being offered extra scans and testing for Rosabella. Even after she was born, it doesn’t go away. I was constantly checking her and always on edge, waiting for something bad to happen.
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I often think about Ralphie most when I’m up at night looking after Rosabella, as that’s when I have time to sit and think about things. Sometimes I’d wake up in the night and see Rosabella, but think she was Ralphie because I was so sleep deprived.
Ruby
How did The Lullaby Trust support you?
The safer sleep and infection prevention advice on The Lullaby Trust’s website helped me feel at ease when taking care of Rosabella after losing Ralphie. It was helpful and reassuring for me to have useful advice to look at, so I knew I was doing all I could to keep her safe, particularly when my anxiety was at an all-time high.
I think it’s really important for people to reach out for support with caring for their baby, even if they have previously lost a baby. I think sometimes people don’t want to reach out for support with sleep deprivation for example, because they don’t want to seem upset that they’re baby is crying, when they never got to hear their previous baby cry at all. I felt that a bit with Rosabella. I’d rather have a screaming baby than no baby.
The Lullaby Trust were there for me to support me and answer my questions, even when I felt guilty about needing support.
What things do you do to remember Ralphie, or involve him in your life today?
On his birthday, we celebrated with balloons and a cake with family and friends. Then we released the balloons a few days later on the anniversary of his death. It’s all so close together so it’s a tough week, but very meaningful.
We put Rosabella in some of his baby grows that he never got to wear. It’s so nice to see her in them, particularly as her and Ralphie look so alike. But it was very hard when she eventually grew out of them. It felt like a reminder that Ralphie never got the chance to grow out of them.
We also have a canvas on the wall with Ralphie’s photo. It’s so lovely. When we’re holding Rosabella, she’s constantly staring at it. In another corner of the living room we keep his ashes, so he’s always here with us.
Why did you choose to share your story today?
I want Ralphie’s story to be heard, he had a whole life ahead of him so I want to talk about him and remember him. If I can help at least one person with my story, I know I will do him proud.
After Ralphie died, I felt so alone. I felt like I was the only person in the world it’s happened to. I had so many questions. Why me? Why my baby? But there are so many people out there who have experienced something similar. Reading about other people’s experiences on The Lullaby Trust’s website helped me to feel less alone, and knowing the support is out there is amazing.
Once something like that happens, there’s no words that can make anything better, but as time goes on, you learn to live with it. Grief looks different after a while, but they still remain in everything you do. At first you don’t want to do anything, but without even realising it, you’ll wake up one day and you’ll feel just a little bit lighter.
You can’t feel guilty for feeling better, or for smiling or laughing. You have to remember that that’s what they’d want you to do.
Discover more
Facebook support group
A closed group where you can meet bereaved families who have experienced the death of a baby or young child, to talk and support each other.
Paige’s story
Paige’s son, Harrison, died in 2015. She told us that she doesn’t think she would be the mum she is today without the Care of Next Infant Programme (CONI) supporting her with her son, Freddie.
Brothers and sisters
It is common for parents to feel worried about how any other children will be affected by their sibling’s death.
You can support people like Ruby
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