Abs’ story
Abs lives in Wirral with his wife, Hayley, and his daughter, Esme. Following the death of his son, Charlie, Abs decided to start fundraising for The Lullaby Trust.
Tell me a bit about you
I’m a science teacher from the Suffolk coast. I really enjoy life as a teacher, it’s unpredictable and rewarding, although it can of course be really tough at times.
I love spending time with my family and enjoying life by the seaside. When I can manage any free time between my marathon training, and looking after Malyn, I love to go fossil hunting along the coast.
Why are you fundraising for The Lullaby Trust?
My sister, Gayle, died when she was six weeks old. I was only one and a half years old. I’m told that children don’t form memories until they are about two or three, but I remember as a teenager, having images in my head of what happened. I thought it was a dream, but speaking to my dad helped me realise that I was actually able to recount images from the day Gayle died.
She died on my dad’s birthday. My family were all out for lunch and Gayle was sat at the end of the table. She was quieter than usual, and then we realised she wasn’t breathing. My dad tried to give her CPR but unfortunately, she didn’t regain consciousness.
I’d like to fundraise for The Lullaby Trust to raise awareness, and to try to prevent other families from having to experience what we did.
What was the impact of Gayle’s death on your family?
It was really difficult. Gayle died in 1981, and at that time, there wasn’t a strong understanding of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) like there is now.
There was such a stigma attached to it, and my parents just had to get on with life as usual. They weren’t offered counselling, and the whole thing just got swept under the carpet.
My parents didn’t really talk about what had happened. They both dealt with it very differently. This affected the family unit massively.
The grief they experienced following Gayle’s death eventually got unpacked many years later. It’s great that people can be so much more open about it now.
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And what impact did Gayle’s death have on you personally?
Some of my earliest words as a child were ‘baby gone’. This shows how even though I didn’t fully understand what had happened at the time, Gayle’s death had a significant impact on me.
This year has been particularly difficult, as I don’t think I appreciated the affect that a baby’s death can have until my son was born. When he was six weeks old, the age Gayle was when she died, the thought of him not being there really drove home how horrendous the death of a baby can be. It was around this time that I applied for the London Marathon, so that I could fundraise for The Lullaby Trust and help other parents and carers or bereaved families.
How is training going?
I’ve done a marathon before, back in 2018. Back then I was running regularly and relatively physically fit. But this time when I started training, I hadn’t done any running in about four years and running 20 minutes really knocked me out! This time has therefore taken on a very different perspective. It’s a much bigger journey for me, particularly as I’m juggling training with work and looking after Malyn.
Training is going well though. I’ve had a couple of injuries, but have allowed plenty of time to rest and recover, so I’m hoping it’ll all go well on the day!
How has running for The Lullaby Trust allowed you to remember Gayle and involve her in your life today?
Whenever I’m on a run and it gets tough, I always just remind myself why I’m doing it. It’s so easy to just choose to stop running, but remembering Gayle is a driving factor to keep going. Remembering why I’m doing it helps me turn that 20 minute run into a 30 minute run. When every step feels like a challenge, I remind myself this isn’t just for me, it’s for my family, and for others who might benefit from The Lullaby Trust’s services. With each painful step I take, I know it’s worth it to raise awareness.
I’ve always been fairly vocal and open about Gayle’s death, but running in Gayle’s memory has given me more opportunities to have conversations about what happened. It’s empowering to look back at how far we’ve come since my parents felt like they couldn’t talk about SIDS at all.
It’s sometimes surprising how many people I chat to who have gone through something similar. You may have known someone for years, but they might keep certain parts of their life quiet. I’m determined to put my story out there to help others.
Running with The Lullaby Trust has been so cathartic. It’s so nice to have our runners group chat, where despite having never met each other, we are all united through having one horrible thing in common, or a shared passion for baby safety. We support each other on our runs and we’ve built up a lovely community.
What would you say to anybody who is considering taking on a fundraising challenge for The Lullaby Trust, but isn’t sure where to start?
Think about what’s important to you. To me, raising awareness is so important, and I’m managing to do that by taking part in this event. Even if you walk the marathon – at least you’re on the course for longer so have more time to raise awareness! The pain you might feel when running a marathon isn’t even a patch on what many families experience. You’ve just got to sign up and go for it. What have you got to lose?
Discover more
Brothers and sisters
It is common for parents to feel worried about how any other children will be affected by their sibling’s death.
Fundraising events and challenges
We’ve got a superb range of running, cycling, walking and other challenge events that are ready for you to conquer. They’re a fantastic way to raise money, get fitter and have lots of fun.
Bereavement support helpline
If you would like the opportunity to talk freely, for as long as required, with a sympathetic and understanding listener, please contact us via our bereavement helpline or send an email.
You can support people like Mark
Donate today and your kindness will empower families with trusted and life-saving baby safety advice, as well as providing a supportive space for anyone who has experienced the the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or infant.