A friend’s toolkit

It is most helpful when you just listen. You don’t need to cheer me up, it is normal for my heart to hurt. If you try to give me advice or tell me what I should (or should not) be feeling or doing it can feel like you have trampled on my feelings – feelings which are tied to my child’s worth!

We know it is hard to sit with the depths of a friend’s pain. We might feel as though we need our friend to feel ok. Frustration and helplessness are common feelings. Truly listening during grief may challenge our social and cultural expectations of what grief is. It may make us uncomfortable and doubt our own capacity to offer meaningful support.

As strange as it seems, listening to the depths of someone’s emotions and accepting them fully, can actually help. Your friend will feel heard and understood. Hearing themselves talk about their experience and grief accurately and without censorship, will help them to process what it is they are feeling. Importantly, you will be helping your friend to feel less isolated in their grief.  

Self-care before and after speaking with your friend is important. Journaling can be a helpful tool to reflect, at a more appropriate time, when thoughts, memories or questions arise as you listen.

My heart hurts. I long for my child and I long not to feel like this. Sometimes I feel emotions that feel alien to me, that make me wonder who I am and if I will ever be the same again. There may be times when it feels like I push you away, when in truth I am pushing my reality away. Please be patient with me as I learn how to be, in this new world after loss.

We know how much you want to be there for your bereaved friend, but at times it can feel like you do not know what to do for the best. As all kinds of emotions arise in them, all kinds of emotions will naturally arise in you too. It takes a lot of patience, to remember that your friend’s current actions (or inactions) are a result of intense mourning. Oddly, it is sometimes the closest of relationships which struggle the most after bereavement. It is not unusual for people to be simultaneously grieving the loss of the baby or young child, and the relationships whose dynamics have changed. 

In simple terms, it gives your bereaved friend the space they need to process their emotions safely. In turn, it gives your relationship the space it needs to grow and adapt, often for the better if given the right conditions.  

Remember why you care about this person, and try not to take the more challenging behaviours personally.  

Maintaining clear boundaries are helpful for both of your wellbeing. It is ok to step away from an unhelpfully heated interaction.  

“I understand you are hurting right now. I wish I could take that pain away from you. I don’t think this conversation is helping, so I am going to lovingly step out/away for the moment. I will text you later.”- Then keep your promise and text later.   

Say their name. I think of my child daily. I can feel the weight of certain days looming. Days that you may find it easy to predict: birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s/Father’s Day, festivals and holidays. However, there are other times too that may be less easy to understand: my own birthday can feel agonising- the passing of time without the little one I love; the start of the school year, exam results days, the upcoming arrival of another precious child within our group. The lead up is often harder than the day itself. Please reach out and remember with me. Let me know that you are there, and that it is ok if I am not ok. 

After speaking with many supportive friends and loved ones, looking for advice on our helpline, we know that the fear of ‘making them feel worse’ is at the forefront of most of your minds. You may second guess your instincts to reach out. Afterall, societally we are not the best at talking about death and grief. Leaning into the discomfort the first few times, can make it feel more natural and less scary later. 

We are social creatures by nature. The loneliness of not feeling safe sharing difficult life experiences can add to our feelings of trauma. By showing your friend that you are thinking of them, and their baby or child that died, you allow them the solace of being able to express their feelings with a safe and trusted other. This can positively impact their healing in the short and long term.

Pop special dates in your diary. Set a reminder for that date 2-3 weeks before – This is when your support may be most needed and appreciated.  

Having a few helpful phrases can feel empowering:  

Our perspectives on life, death, spirituality may be different. Please respect what I share with you about my thoughts, at this time, without asking me to align to yours. 

If we have firm beliefs about the world in which we live, and beyond, it can feel difficult to quieten those thoughts whilst listening to the other’s very differing view, especially if their view once did align to your own. Now is not the time to enter into debate! Listening to differing perspectives may test your own. This understandably can feel threatening at times.  

It is not unusual for a bereaved person understanding world/spiritual/philosophical view to be challenged following the unexpected and sudden death of a baby or young child. They may feel unsettled or comforted by their current perspectives. Having a non-judgemental space to work through and share their thoughts can be helpful as they make sense of their loss. Remember this is part of their process. It is not a judgement about you and yours.

Setting time aside to reflect on your own views can help balance the defensive need to question unhelpfully in the moment. Meditation can be a helpful tool to deepen self-understanding and compassion for the self and others.

Grief is an exhausting rollercoaster. One moment I feel one thing, the other something completely different. I can have darker days and lighter days all which come with a myriad of tricky emotions. Sometimes, on top of all of this, I worry about what people might expect from me. Am I supposed to be overtly sad? Am I supposed to act as if I am ‘over it’ by now? Will I be rejected or judged if I am neither of those things? You see I have no way of knowing. It would be good if you could reassure me that there are no expectations, so I can be true to myself, to you, and to the memory of my precious child. 

Routine feels comforting for our primitive brains. Knowing what to expect can help us to feel safe in the world. Being unable to predict how our friend will be can feel really unsettling emotionally and physically. These unsettling feelings can trigger changes in our own behaviour, from wooden interactions to avoidance. By thinking rationally about why things may feel different right now, we can help ourselves to be more flexible in the moment.

Having a flexible mindset allows you to move with the needs of your friend in the moment. As a result, your interactions will feel more helpful and meaningful. A fixed mindset can add additional strain at an already stormy time.

Reduce your expectations. If you are inviting your bereaved friend to an event, understand that with all the best intentions in the world, they may feel unable to follow through on the day. Don’t invite them to something where you will be relying on them alone. Give them an opt out if they need one.

I am grateful that you are there with a helping hand, though I might not always show it. I might not be very good at letting you know what I need, because at times I am not too sure myself. What I really want, is the impossible – I want my baby. I want everything to be ok. It can be hard to focus on anything else. Even every day tasks can feel overwhelming. At other times I find it helpful to be busy: sometimes with others, and sometimes alone. 

Helping is complicated! What feels helpful, looks different to different people. Life experience, personality type, cultural, and societal norms all influence our comfort in giving and receiving help, especially around grief. Getting it right can feel like trial and error at times.

Meaningful and appropriate help can reduce additional stress and increase feelings of connection. Balancing life and grief can present bereaved families with challenges which they have not experiences before. Brain fog can impact one’s ability to focus or remember – tasks which once would have been automatic, can now feel as though they take a great deal of energy and concentration. Helping with these tasks can reduce mental load, and leave more time for your friend’s self-care and grieving process.

Be led by your friend. Remember, just because something was helpful to you, does not mean it will be helpful to them. Heightened distress can make it difficult to process your offer of support. Having a few realistic options for them to choose from can be useful, e.g.  

Hi Florian,  

Let me know if I can: 

• walk the dog 
• mow the lawn 
• take you to the golf course to whack golf balls as hard as we can: shouting/crying/talking optional!  
• Take the kids to school: shouting/crying/talking, once again, optional! 

Always,  

Ben  

If your friend turns down your offer of support, stay open to offering again a little further down the line. Their needs may change over time.

I know you are trying to help when you share stories of grieving for your great aunty Mabel, but it doesn’t help. The death of a child brings a unique type of grief, my little one was at the very start of their life, we had so many hopes and dreams. Comparison can make me want to shut down. It makes me feel even more alone and misunderstood. Allow me to have space to express my grief and my love as it is, rather than as you think it should be based of your experience.

Seeing someone grieve may remind you of your own losses. We are programmed to connect. We learn from an early age that shared experience can help us do just that. “Me too”, moments help us to feel better, and when someone we care about is grieving we can want more than anything for them to feel better too. Unless you are a bereaved parent too, please believe us when we say this isn’t a “me too” moment.

Staying in the other person’s frame of reference means that they have the space to process what they are feeling, thinking, and what they might find comforting.

Give yourself the time and space to talk about your experience of loss with others. Your feelings and memories do matter. Counselling might be helpful if you haven’t had support previously.  

If you are a bereaved parent, “me toos” may help to ease feelings of loneliness, but only if they resonate for the person you are supporting. Stay in their frame of reference. If they asked about your own bereavement, remember to clarify that this was how it was for you, but everyone is different.

I love it when you say my little one’s name and tell me something about them that you remember or appreciate. You would be surprised how quickly people stop talking about them, or shuffle uncomfortably when I do. When all you have is their memory, sharing those memories helps to keep them alive in our hearts.

“I am frightened that if I mention Billy, she will remember her pain.” – a concern we hear often on the helpline. We promise you, they have not forgotten their child. They might cry as you share memories together, providing a welcome release. However, their crying might bring up all kinds of emotions for you; worry, concern, awkwardness, guilt (to name just a few) we can sometimes avoid a helpful conversation with our friend, for fear of how we might feel or react.  

Connection, to each other and to the memory of their child, allows bereaved family members to feel less alone in their experience. Bereaved parents fear their little one being forgotten about by those around them. As time goes on, it can often feel harder to speak with loved ones about the baby or young child that died, due to a fear that their natural grief will be pathologised or judged. By keeping that door open, you help to reduce that fear.

If you are unsure if your bereaved friend would welcome a conversation about their little one from you, at that time, ask them. It may be that they jump at the chance, or it might be that they prefer to speak in some situations, rather than others, such as in the workplace.  

Share specific memories and use their little one’s name. Try to resist asking specific, or probing questions. This will prevent the conversation feeling intrusive rather than supportive.  

You might find this page helpful for knowing what to say to someone who has experienced baby loss.