Bereavement support helpline
If you would like the opportunity to talk freely, for as long as required, with a sympathetic and understanding listener, please contact us via our bereavement helpline or send an email.
Tell me a bit about you
I really like living in Perth, it’s the perfect distance away from Scotland’s big cities. I live with my youngest, Lexxi, who is my rainbow baby. I also have an older daughter Milly, who is 22 and lives with her boyfriend. Caelyn, died suddenly and unexpectedly and turned our whole worlds upside down. Caelyn’s name means ‘forever loved’, which is now all the more special for us.
Can you tell me more about Caelyn?
Caelyn had the most beautiful smile. She was such a mischievous, cheery little soul. The last day we had with her was Easter Monday, she was running around in the garden through the sprinklers and was absolutely fine. She woke around 10pm and I gave her a bottle to settle her. I will always remember the way she looked at me, staring into my eyes whilst drinking her bottle. Did she know what was coming? I found her the next day at 7.40am. It was so out of the blue but as soon as I picked her up I knew it was too late. She had experienced fits throughout her short life, which we had seen the doctor about, but she had no signs of illness.
What happened next?
I called an ambulance and the police came at the same time. It was horrific. They wouldn’t let us back in the house and treated us as though we were criminals. They wouldn’t even let us go back in the house to use the toilet. The police officers who were standing outside the house were luckily much more understanding. There was one young officer who was great with Milly who was only 3 at the time.
I did put in a complaint to the Head of Tayside Police about how we were treated, they agreed with all my points and confirmed everything was handled wrongly. They asked me what I wanted to do and I should have sued them as I was entitled to but I didn’t take any further action, I didn’t want their money, only my daughter back. In hindsight, I should’ve taken it further and given the money to The Lullaby Trust. All I asked for was that officers were trained to cope better with the scenario, to make sure others didn’t have to go through what we did. They assured me this would happen.
What was given as the official cause of Caelyn’s death?
Initially, it was diagnosed as a cot death (SIDS), but then a few months later it came back that Caelyn had two acute viruses – bronchitis and pneumonia which is apparently common in cot death when they come on together. Caelyn had not one single sign of being unwell before bed.
What was the reaction from those around you?
Very difficult. Close family and friends were very supportive but some people would avoid me in the street. They would actively cross the road to avoid speaking to me. People would say they just didn’t know what to say, but to that I’d suggest, just say ‘hello’. Stop for a second and think about what the parents and immediate family have been through.
How has the grief impacted you?
I’m lucky to have lots of friends and family who reached out and supported us but the pain was tangible. Caelyn died in 2007 but even though I thought I’d dealt with my grief, in hindsight I think I haven’t dealt with it properly. I was always busy making sure everyone else was ok, and before I knew it I was years down the line. I’m waiting on counselling myself, and I’m aware The Lullaby Trust is there too, with no time limit on their support.
After something tragic like this happens, your life changes. You obviously learn to deal with it and get through it, but it’s never far away. You have to accept life will never be the same but in time, the pain eases a little. I think about Caelyn every day. To this day, I sleep with her blanket that she used to sleep with.
Trying for another baby afterwards before having Lexxi, I had two miscarriages, one on Milly’s first day of school and one on Mother’s Day. This added to my grief and I almost gave up trying for another baby.
Can you tell me about some of the fundraising you have done for The Lullaby Trust?
I did a ‘Mile in memory’ walk arranged by The Lullaby Trust, which was the only one in Scotland and turned out to be a massive fundraiser, raising over £10,000. We also raised £2,000 at Caelyn’s funeral.
I’ve done various fundraising events at work, focussing on the sleep safe campaign. I worked with my local jeweller who made some silver charms for us to sell to raise money. All of the family and some of friends still wear theirs to this day.
Milly is now a successful hairdresser and her colleague and her voted for The Lullaby Trust to be their charity of the year last year, raising around £10,000! It’s special to see her supporting the charity. Lexxi likes to be involved also, despite never meeting her sister. She wears her star as we all do.
Fundraising helps me to feel like I’m doing something helpful, in Caelyn’s memory and for her.
What things do you do to remember Caelyn, or involve her in your life today?
Every anniversary on 10th April, and every birthday on 10th July, I visit Caelyn at the cemetery. I like to try and make these visits positive, and think about the good times I got to have with her. I’m hoping to throw a fundraising party for her 21st birthday this year.
I still have loads of photos of Caelyn on display.
I think it’s important to speak openly about Caelyn. If people ask how many children I have, I say three, because I don’t want to miss her out. I shared my story at work, as part of being a Mental Health First Aider, to offer support to others and highlight the great work of the Lullaby Trust Support network and research.
I have also trained to be a befriender, to support other families, in Caelyn’s memory.
I have lots of tattoos in Caelyn’s memory too. I have flowers going up my foot with my three girls’ names on, ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ on my other foot as I used to sing that to them when they were tiny, and I have a big lotus flower which is Caelyn’s birth flower. I also have one on my lower back which matches the angel we had carved into her headstone. These tattoos make me feel better, and help me to feel closer to Caelyn.
Milly also has a couple of tattoos on her arm, including the lyrics of a song we had played at Caelyn’s funeral.
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What would you say to another parent or carer who has had a similar experience to you?
Know you don’t ever need to be alone. Reach out to family and friends, and to The Lullaby Trust. They have excellent befrienders who would be happy to talk to you and to share their story. Everyone handles grief differently and there’s no right or wrong. Remember you never have to do what you feel like you need to do, or what others tell you to do. Just do whatever feels right for you.
Sue
Discover more
A Lullaby Memorial
A Lullaby Memorial can be a focal point for family and friends to post messages and photos, light candles in remembrance or make a donation in memory.
Volunteer with us
At The Lullaby Trust, there are a number of ways you can volunteer to help keep babies safe and support grieving families. Every hour you can give will be gratefully received.
Marjorie’s story
After Marjorie and Ian’s son, Craig, died suddenly and unexpectedly, The Lullaby Trust supported Marjorie through her bereavement, and with her next child, Allison.
You can support people like Sue
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