Befriending support
Befriending is a listening support service that we offer to bereaved family members.
Tell me a bit about you
I live in Fife with my husband, David, my 17-year-old daughter Isla, and 15-year-old son Ewan. I work full time at a library solutions company, where I’ve been working remotely since long before the pandemic, so I’m very used to it!
Can you tell me about Grant?
In 2007, I had my firstborn, Grant. He was a wee character and was thriving. He was a good size and had a lovely personality. He was very interested in the world, with his big eyes looking all over the place.
He would be 19 in 2026, but we lost him quickly and unexpectedly when he was 26 days old from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). It was a happy and healthy pregnancy, and we’d had no issues whatsoever. Everything had been what you’d expect, so his death came as a huge shock. And the police involvement was something else. Unless you’ve been in that position before, you have no idea what it’s like.
We didn’t know for sure that it was SIDS until they’d completed the post-mortem process, but SIDS was enough for us to go on. It was difficult to process, because of the ‘unexplained’ element of SIDS. Why does a perfectly healthy baby die? But at the same time, we were relieved to find out that Grant didn’t have any medical problems and nothing obviously wrong.
Before Grant was born, we were conflicted as to whether to find his sex or not. I wanted it to be a surprise but David wanted to find out. We were even arguing in the room when the nurse asked if we wanted to find out! She ended up writing it down and putting it in an envelope so we could decide. But I ended up opening it before I’d even left the hospital!
What was your experience of grief?
It was the end of the world for me. We’d built up ready to have this new baby in our lives, and then all of a sudden my maternity leave was cut short and my husband was back at work too. I struggled, but having a phased return to work helped me to focus my mind on other things.
It’s just an insane amount of loss, and you end up blaming yourself. I felt a mixture of resentment, anger and bitterness. My husband’s brother and his partner had a baby ten weeks before us, so we saw that baby grow up. I remember feeling resentment when he started crawling. It hurt so much that I was never able to experience that milestone with Grant. I don’t think time is a healer, it just helps you learn to deal with it.
What things do you do to remember Grant, or involve him in your life today?
In Grant’s short life, I was still able to do a lot with him, and take him on trips. One of my most treasured memories is when we did a trip off the east coast of Fife to a lovely fishing village. We went with the dog and the pram and got fish and chips. Now, as a tradition, we do that trip every year for his birthday. It’s so symbolic, and very poignant for us. A lot of our loved ones and community know we do it. Also, Grant’s middle name was David which is my husband’s name, which is very special for us.
Tell me about Isla
After Grant died, we were so desperate to have another baby, but we never put any pressure on ourselves. I fell pregnant quite quickly again and in hindsight, that was probably the best thing that could’ve happened. It gave us a new focus. But at the same time, I was petrified that it would happen again. When I found out Isla was a girl, I couldn’t help but think that it was a shame I’m not getting my boy. But at the same time, I was happy for her to be a girl so she was completely different to Grant.
Before she was born, we were given extra scans, and they really monitored me a lot more closely. They couldn’t have done more. For birth, I opted for a single room because I didn’t want to be in a ward with people asking me if she was my first. I was so supported. I got given a monitor by the Scottish Cot Death Trust (SCDT) to use with Isla and received a lot of support at that time.
When Isla was 26 days old, the age Grant was when he died, I sat at my sister’s all day for support. It was a milestone when she made it past that. It took me a long time to get my head around it.
Can you tell me a bit about your fundraising?
We did a collection for SCDT at Grant’s funeral, and we’ve done a lot of fundraising since. David is a keen outdoors enthusiast, so not long after we lost Grant, he organised a walk up north which raised over £10,000 for the SCDT. I also did an abseil – it was scary but such an amazing experience! Family members have done other fundraising too. There’s been kilt walks, bungee jumps – all in Grant’s memory.
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I’ve supported other bereaved parents by doing some befriending, which is both difficult and rewarding. It’s important to reassure people that they aren’t alone. I found it important to find something to do to give back. When the time was right for me, befriending was the perfect opportunity. I also went to the SCDT’s annual family days, which were a lovely opportunity to socialise.
Discover more
Marjorie’s story
After Marjorie and Ian’s son, Craig, died suddenly and unexpectedly, The Lullaby Trust supported Marjorie through her bereavement, and with her next child, Allison.
Supporting families in Scotland
For 40 years, the Scottish Cot Death Trust has been a lifeline for families. We’re ensuring that lifeline continues with The Lullaby Trust, and grows for generations to come.
About the CONI programme
The Care of Next Infant (CONI) programme supports bereaved families before and after the birth of their new baby, giving hundreds of families peace of mind and support.
You can support people like Fiona
Donate today and your kindness will empower families with trusted and life-saving baby safety advice, as well as providing a supportive space for anyone who has experienced the the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or infant.