Fred was our everything. For the short 13 months that we had him, he was a bundle of energy; a superstar. He loved his bubbles, he loved fireworks and he loved music more than anything. He was such an adventurous boy, constantly exploring, checking out new toys, trying to climb everything, but just full of love as well. Fred was our sunflower – a genuinely all-round beautiful soul.
We lost Fred to sepsis after contracting invasive Group A strep at 13 months. He was taken from us very quickly and very suddenly; completely out of the blue. It makes you realise what joy truly is, what’s important in life. You can earn money but you can’t buy time back.
On the night that Fred died, we were given a load of leaflets from the hospital and that was it. We didn’t really look at them because we weren’t in any headspace to read a leaflet. Two or three weeks later, we started to feel a bit rudderless. We needed a connection with other people who’d experienced the sudden and unexpected death of a child.
We needed to know that there was a future. That there could be positivity and happiness again.
We tried a lot of well-known charities, but struggled to make contact, or were told there was a lengthy waiting list. And then we did an anonymous post on a local Facebook page and somebody mentioned The Lullaby Trust. They were the only charity that got back to us within 24 hours. Within two days of that e-mail, we began speaking to Befrienders.
We quickly discovered that everybody has their own way of grieving. Personally, we needed something that was more guided, which is what The Lullaby Trust were able to give us. We’ve loved the fact that there’s been regular check-ins at six months and a year. We both speak to our Befrienders still and know the charity is there if we need to tap in.
We know that support can be there for as long as we need it, because kind people donate to make that happen.
All the hopes we've had for the service, in terms of finding out that there is a future and that you can go on to have a happy family life whilst also cherishing the memory of the child you've lost, have been realised. Our Befrienders reassured us that Fred’s memory will live on in a way that truly captures the essence of who he is.
Having a child is like putting a piece of your heart outside your body and watching it walk around. When that child dies, it’s like somebody has taken that part of your heart. You can’t ever see yourself putting your heart on the line all over again.
But having spoken with Befrienders who have walked that path and gone on to have more children shows you that it can be done. Because of their support, we’re ready to welcome another child into our family.
While we’re at the epicentre of Fred’s death, we know there is a ripple effect with grief, for Fred’s grandparents, aunties and uncles and beyond. Their grief is still real and powerful.
We’ve seen our own parents suffer from the loss of Fred. They’re experiencing their own grief as grandparents, but they’re also hurting for us; they’re seeing their own child’s pain and feeling helpless. And beyond that, for example, we’ve seen the effect of Fred’s death on his key worker at nursery.
Having dedicated space, as The Lullaby Trust does, for everyone affected by the death of a baby or young child, is so important. It helps that circle of support, whichever way the ripples travel.
The Lullaby Trust’s support has been the first and only genuine, meaningful support we've had. It’s so vital that their bereavement support services continue to be funded. They are a lifeline to so many people.
Through this connection, we’ve learnt coping mechanisms and tactics. We know that your heart and your brain make space for that grief to become part of who you are. We know how to harness it and turn it into good. For us that’s the ‘Power of Fred’.
The Lullaby Trust has helped us find this hope, this legacy. They’ve given us the confidence to talk about Fred and hold his memory with us as we move forwards. They’ve made us realise that it’s OK to unlock the future, with Fred still a part of our family.
Fred would never have wanted us to sit in a dark room and stay there forever. He would have wanted us to get out, get moving, smile. The Lullaby Trust has enabled us to do just this.
We want everyone who needs it to be able to access these services and find their own Power of Fred.
Stu and I decided to take on the February Fifty Challenge in memory of our little boy. We wanted to do something positive in the month between what should have been Fred’s 2nd birthday (31 January) and the anniversary of his death. Getting outside and exercising is such an important thing to do while grieving. Our family also decided to join us in the challenge, as a way of making this difficult period truly meaningful for Fred. We’ve been blown away by all the support we’ve had!