Talking to health professionals
Many parents tell us they worry about being a nuisance or wasting NHS time. But you are never a nuisance when it comes to your baby’s health.
Tell me a bit about you
I love to draw and watch films, particularly horror. I also really like to make Lego sets; I’ve made a few Lego flower bouquets.
Can you tell me about Theo?
Theo was a big boy, which was really cute, but also painful! He was a right little fighter. He also had a beautiful head of hair.
When he was born, we both had a very serious infection and I got rushed for an emergency c-section. It was so shocking and scary. When he was seven weeks and five days old, he died suddenly and unexpectedly. That day was hectic as anything. About four ambulances and six police cars turned up. Everyone was everywhere. I remember James carried Theo in the ambulance to the hospital. Waiting to hear what had happened felt like forever. All I could think about was the fact that I’d woken up to find my son unresponsive, and I didn’t know if they’d be able to resuscitate him or not.
Back at home, there was medical equipment dotted around the room everywhere, and his blankets and dummies had been taken. No one told me where all my son’s stuff had gone.
As a young mum, did you feel you were treated differently?
I’ve just turned 20, and it felt like people would brush off everything we asked because of our age. Even before Theo passed, I’d ask about his breathing or his development, and I would get brushed off as being paranoid and not taken seriously. And this seems to be the experience with other young mums I’ve spoken to. Especially if you struggle with your mental health like I do, people tend to point fingers at you.
At what point did you discover The Lullaby Trust?
My support nurses suggested I reach out to The Lullaby Trust. I use their Bereavement Support Facebook group and have found it so helpful to talk to others in a similar position. I’ve made some really good friends through it. They’ve helped me realise I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one who felt like my whole world just collapsed in on itself.
They helped me come to terms with the fact that all the ‘what ifs’ I ask myself is just my brain’s natural response to the trauma. Especially with it being so sudden.
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We go and see him at his grave fairly regularly. His birthday is on 21 March so we will do something for that, and maybe set off some fireworks in his memory.
Lilly
What would you say to another young mum who’s also working through their grief?
Baby steps. Don’t take leaps into your grief. But also, don’t just hide away in your house. I felt like I just wanted to stay in at the start. We never really went out except to see Theo at his grave. But this made eventually going outside again even harder. It was overwhelming and I was so angry. Our world had stopped but everyone else’s was going on as normal.
Don’t force yourself to move on at the pace people are telling you to. People ask when I’m going to have another baby, but it feels like I’ve only just lost mine. To lose a baby in the way we have, it sets a fear in you so deep down. I’m constantly on edge and worried it would go the same way again.
Discover more
Facebook support group
A closed group where you can meet bereaved families who have experienced the death of a baby or young child, to talk and support each other.
Hayley and Dimitri’s story
Hayley and Dimitri's daughter, Violet, died from the herpes virus. Hayley shares her story to raise awareness of how serious infections can be in newborn babies.
Bereavement support helpline
If you would like the opportunity to talk freely, for as long as required, with a sympathetic and understanding listener, please contact us via our bereavement helpline or send an email.
You can support people like Lilly
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