Alcohol and grief
When someone we love dies, we experience overwhelming feelings of loss and sorrow, which we call grief.
Tell me a bit about you
I live in Milton Keynes with my wife Kirsty, and my five kids. I’ve got Lily (16), Cooper (10) and Raffy (8), together we have Kiki (3), and Kirsty has a daughter called Kitty (16). I love having a big busy family.
When Rocco died in 2013, it came as a complete shock. He was four and a half months old, and all I felt was absolute devastation. That’s the thing with SIDS, it’s so sudden. There’s no build up and no warning. I got given a load of leaflets at the hospital after he died but I don’t think I read any of them. I was too overwhelmed.
Can you tell me about your relationship with alcohol around this time?
Before Rocco died, my mindset towards alcohol was purely recreational. But after he died, alcohol became something I needed, not something I wanted. When I was at rock bottom, I looked around me for support and strength from my loved ones, but they were also broken by what had happened. I felt like I was the man of the house and needed to pay the bills and keep life going.
This slowly drove me down the path of self-destruction and suicidal thoughts. My relationships struggled and everything became more distant and more strained. There was a lack of care on my side. I didn’t turn up to things. Alcohol started to take priority which was a recipe for disaster. I fell out with my family and became detached from society.
At what point did you seek support?
I saw a medium a couple of years after Rocco died. It was a breakthrough for me. The medium told me she saw a lady holding a son, and that she wanted me to know he was fine. I felt buoyant from that. When you lose a kid you have this awful worry of not knowing if they’re alright. It’s one of the worst feelings. You can’t quantify where they are or if they are ok, even though they had died. That was one of my biggest pains. But seeing a medium really opened the door to spirituality for me.
Now I look to the universe with more big picture thinking. I feel that before spirituality, I was in the confines of a house feeling tight and stressed. When I learned about spirituality, it felt like someone had knocked the ceiling off and banged the walls down so now I can see the sky. I have a renewed motivation and I know I’ll see him around.
How has running helped you?
I ran a marathon in Rocco’s memory in 2015 and I’m proud of this achievement – making something good out of such an awful situation. I raised £3,500 for The Lullaby Trust which I am so proud of. Having said that, I want to go back and do it again, but this time with a stronger stance and with more pride. It will be emotional again, but I’d like to try it again a decade on from a new perspective.
Also, having my marathon training plan and being able to focus on something is really helping me both mentally and physically. It was this lack of routine that initially got me in a downward spiral of drink and drugs, having a strict routine to follow really helps.
How did your relationship with alcohol change?
Meeting my wife Kirsty was a huge support. I stopped drinking in 2020 and left my job in the fashion industry in 2021, because I felt I’d outgrown the drinking lifestyle that it offered me. I had a bit of a spiritual awakening and wanted to restart my life and give back with purpose.
Losing my son is my fuel, and that pain is now my purpose. It’s driving me on my mission to help people. I’ve started my own alcohol-free app where we organise community events and challenges to support people on their journey.
I have a large social following on Instagram, where I support others. I’ve also written my own book about my story, which has become a bestseller. I found that when I stopped drinking, I had so much time on my hands and felt this urge to share my story. I was also getting overwhelmed with messages on Instagram asking me questions, so I thought a book was the best way forward. I found it really cathartic to write and felt I was in my flow state. The last thing I thought I’d be was an author, but it was just coming out of me. I found that in the process, sometimes I was laughing, and sometimes I was crying my eyes out.
Why did you choose to share your story today?
I want to do everything I possibly can to help The Lullaby Trust. Whether it’s raising money, or raising awareness. I have a personal mission to work with the charity and team, and give back. It’s taken me a long time to be able to look back at the situation in the eye, but after 12 years, the time is right. This feels aligned with who I am now.
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