Jassy was baby number four. We had two boys and one girl so it felt perfect to be welcoming another little girl into the family.

Jassy had dark hair and looked just like her big brother, my eldest son, when he was born. She loved to be held and cuddled all day and all night. We certainly knew she was here and we used to joke and say she was going to be the boss as she got bigger. We said she was like a little frog with her big wide open eyes, taking in all her surroundings. She was starting to really watch and follow what all the big ones were up to before she died.

One night in April I took Jassy into bed with me, it was around midnight and only me in the bed with her. I woke at 5.20am and put my hand on Jassy’s chest. She was warm but she wasn’t breathing. I screamed to Terry that she was dead. He came running from our daughter Elsa’s room and took Jassy from me. Together we ran downstairs into our living room.

The kids heard everything that went on that morning, me screaming and my eight year old son saw Jassy.

While I dialled 999, Terry placed Jassy onto the floor and the call handler talked Terry through CPR. Shortly afterwards, the first responders arrived and took over from Terry, followed by the paramedics and police. There was nothing that could be done.

She was seven weeks and four days old.

We then had to make our way to hospital where we were asked lots of questions about Jassy and her health. Leaving Jassy there was devastating. There was an inquest, it was actually postponed twice. Jassy died April 20th and the inquest wasn’t held until October.

The inquest result came back as unascertained. The result just left me with so many unanswered questions: how can a healthy baby just die? Was there anything wrong with her or any signs that we had missed? And obviously I was thinking that she shouldn’t have been in bed with me.

We couldn’t really think clearly at the time all this was going on, but desperately wanted to speak to someone who had experienced what we were going through.

A week after Jassy’s death my sister contacted The Lullaby Trust on my behalf. The Lullaby Trust then got in touch with us and both Terry and I were paired up with our own Befrienders.

My Befriender would phone me and we would chat away regularly, probably once a week or more in the early days. It was so useful speaking to someone who had experienced a similar loss. Just knowing that my Befriender had been through such an awful time made me think that we would somehow be OK.

Terry and I were a good support to one another during this time. My mum, my sister and a couple of good friends were also really supportive.

I love talking about Jassy. Talking and remembering is all we can do. Life will never be the same after your baby dies but I’d like to say a big thank you to The Lullaby Trust and my lovely Befriender for helping me navigate through the early dark days of grief. It helped to know that someone understood and had survived, which then gave me a glimmer of hope.

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