I first learned about The Lullaby Trust shortly after the death of my little boy Olli in 2011.
I only had a short space of time with Olli – six weeks and four days in total. But from day dot he was a character full of smiles and a very hungry horace! He was a loving little boy!
My pregnancy with Olli was a breeze, right up until the last moment. I was rushed in for an emergency caesarean as Olli had stopped getting oxygen. It was a pretty scary experience for both of us. He weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces, so a C-section was probably a good idea anyway!
Olli died on a Sunday morning. We were planning on getting his room sorted as he was ready to be moved into a big boy’s cot. At the time I was staying with my nan and grandad and had asked my mom to come and get him.
That morning I got up and started getting ready for the day and tried to stir Olli. He liked his sleep so waking him up was proving to be a bit difficult. I tried waking him again and nothing happened, so I shouted on my nan and grandad. At this point Olli was completely unresponsive so we quickly called 999.
Trying to keep very calm, my grandad performed CPR on Olli but still nothing. The ambulance men arrived shortly after, grabbed him and off they went. It all happened so quickly they didn’t even get his name or anything!
I was only 21 at the time, and my boy was the first person I’d lost in my family. It was a really hard, scary and totally out of the norm for me.
Luckily, I got lots of support from my friends and family. I also tried counselling but I found at the time that it just wasn’t right for me. The Lullaby Trust offered me a Befriender who really helped me a lot. My Befriender was older than me, but the memory of her son was still very much alive. Through speaking to her I learned that it’s okay to have off days long after your bereavement, and that over time it gets better. The fact that my Befriender went on to have more kids reassured me that I would be OK. For a while I blamed myself for what happened. I thought I was cursed and would never be a mom again (silly I know).
It’s been eight years since Olli died and I am better in the head. I have a loving partner who understands how I’m feeling. And I have a little girl who is the best thing ever.
At the time of bereavement, you feel like the world is crashing down. But in time, with love and support, you learn to deal with it and it’s OK to cry.
The main thing is to not be afraid to talk about your child. Keep their memory alive!
If you have experienced infant loss and want to share your story, click here.
