Samantha’s story

I was 18 when I fell pregnant with my son. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I remember being so impatient I just wanted him in my arms!

January 2010 was the year I became a mummy! I finally had him in my arms. I’ve never felt love like it! I was a mummy and my son was perfect.

He was a happy healthy baby up until the 29^th of July 2010.

That particular night, I decided to stay at my mums. We had a travel cot set up in the living room where I was sleeping on the floor. Liam was a good sleeper but always woke up about 1 am for a bottle. So that night I put him to sleep in the cot and I went to sleep soon after him.

At 3 am, I woke up, wondering why he hadn’t woken up for his bottle. I panicked and grabbed him up out the cot but he wasn’t waking up! I just remember screaming for my mum! Next thing I knew we were in A&E. They worked on my son for two hours until I told them to stop. I then picked my boy up and cuddled him.

I held him for a full three hours.

Everything after that is just a blur. I don’t remember much! It’s taken me 10 years to come to terms with losing Liam.

I’ve had 3 children since Liam and, without the Lullaby Trust’s Care of Next Infant (CONI) programme, I just don’t know how I would have coped. I did suffer with post natal depression with my second and my last. I was actually really poorly with my last child and was in a mother and baby unit for six months. While I was there, I found out I was suffering with postpartum psychosis because of the trauma I went through losing Liam.

I’ve reached out to The Lullaby trust over the years! I’ve been on their family days out which were lovely. I can’t express how much they’ve helped me over the years – not just the CONI program, but knowing someone is there to talk if I ever need to.

Luckily I was offered trauma therapy for my PTSD three years ago and I can say I’m finally at peace. I haven’t had a flashback for two and half years! I talk about my boy most days to my children. We visit his special garden (cemetery) on his birthdays and anniversaries. I can finally enjoy life again. So I decided to reach out to this brilliant charity again, to offer my time. I want my story to help families going through the same situation as I did 13 years ago.