Alcohol and grief

When a baby or young child dies, it is especially devastating and is often described as the most painful experience anyone can go through. Grief is a deeply personal experience. It has no set time limit and there is no right or wrong way to go through it. You may find yourself crying one minute and laughing the next. These feelings can seem strange, but they are all part of your unique grieving process.

You may find that there are moments where all you want is for your thoughts and pain to stop, or to be numbed. Some families tell us that alcohol became part of how they coped in the days, weeks, months or years after their baby or young child died and found themselves drinking more than they expected after their baby’s death.

Alcohol may seem to ease your pain in the moment, but in the longer term it will only postpone the grieving process and may leave you feeling depressed, anxious or disconnected from those who love and care for you. Over time, heavy drinking can harm your health and strain your relationships at home, at work and with loved ones.

If alcohol has become part of how you cope with your grief, please know that there is help out there.

Our aim is not to tell you what you “should” do, but to help you recognise how alcohol might be affecting you, give advice on what to look out for and offer alternative ways to support yourself through grief.

Signs you may be drinking more than you realise

Everyone’s grief is different. You may see yourself in some of these, or just one. Whatever feels familiar, know there is no blame – it simply means alcohol may be affecting you more than you realised.

‘’I didn’t talk about how I felt. I didn’t ask for help. I told myself that drinking alcohol was helping me cope, but really, it was keeping me stuck. I certainly didn’t know that grief and alcohol dependency were so closely connected. No one told me that what I was going through was normal but that it could easily become a problem. Eventually, the drinking took over my entire life: my home, my marriage, my sense of self.’’  – Matt

You may be drinking more than you realise if:

• You feel like you need a drink, just to start or get through the day.
• You are hiding how much you are drinking from your loved ones.
• You wake feeling anxious, flat, ashamed or guilty after drinking.
• You are unable to stop drinking once you have started, a single alcoholic drink does not feel like enough to dull the pain.
• You find you cancel plans or avoid people because you are hungover or are planning on drinking alone instead.
• You are unable to remember what happened the day or night before because of drinking.
• You find yourself often drinking alone or earlier in the day than usual.
• You have injured yourself or someone else because of your drinking.
• You decide to try to cut back but find yourself drinking again soon after.
• You or your loved ones have concerns about your drinking.
• You are regularly drinking more than 14 units of alcohol a week.

Grief can feel overwhelming, and it’s understandable to want to reach for anything that seems to dull the pain. While alcohol may bring temporary relief, there are better ways of finding the support you need.

These ideas have helped other bereaved parents; they may help you too.

• Surround yourself with those you love and who care for you and try to be kind to yourself.
• Take time to understand your body’s responses to grief.
• Move your body gently, try to take a short walk or complete a routine of simple stretches everyday.
• Try talking about your grief with someone you trust or contact our support team.
• Use deep breathing or grounding exercises to help lower your stress hormones and calm your nervous system.
• Contact our bereavement helpline. Talk freely, for as long as required, with a sympathetic and understanding listener.
• Write your feelings down, this could be a note to your baby, a journal entry, or just a page of your scattered thoughts.
• Connect with others who understand by joining a support group or talking to one of our befrienders.
• Remember your baby: create a memory box, a small ritual or a place of significance to visit to remember your baby.
• Laugh when you can, it doesn’t mean you love or miss your baby or child any less.
• Accept offers of help and ask for it if you need it. Let your support network cook, clean, or simply sit with you. You don’t have to do this alone. If they are unsure of how to help, here is some advice.
• When you’re ready, talk about your baby. Say their name, share memories and photos/videos, and invite your loved ones to do the same.

The type of support that feels right will depend on where you are on your journey and what support you need. Some people might start with their GP for medical advice, while others prefer private online tools, or the connection of a group or community. There is no right way, what matters is finding the support that feels manageable for you.

The services below are free and confidential, and you can use them in whatever way feels best for you:

• Your GP  – Offers assessments, free medical advice and can connect you with local treatment or counselling services if needed.
• Alcohol Change UK – Offers information, practical tools and compassionate guidance for anyone worried about their drinking.
• Drinkaware – Offers self-assessment tools and practical tips to help you understand your drinking habits and find ways to cut back if you want to.
• With You – Offers free confidential support with alcohol, drugs and mental health. Services are available across England and Scotland, and you can self-refer online:
• SMART Recovery UK – Offers group meetings that focus on self-management and practical strategies to cope with addictive behaviours, online or in your local area.
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) – Offers a community of people who share their experiences and support each other through regular meetings, both online and in person.