Pogrążeni w żałobie ojcowie, partnerzy i współrodzice
Advice and support for a bereaved dad, partner or co-parent.
Tell me a bit about you
I live in North Ayrshire, south of Glasgow. It’s a lovely place to live, depending on the weather! I live with my husband Ian, and we have two daughters, Joanne and Allison, who both have children of their own now. We were both teachers before we retired. I was a primary school teacher, and Ian a PE teacher in secondary school. We love going to watch the football, going on walks, gardening and seeing our grandchildren.
You’ve supported The Lullaby Trust since 1984. Why did you choose to support us?
Our son, Craig, died from cot death when he was seven and a half weeks old on 29 September 1984. Craig was a beautiful, strong wee boy, and looked just like Ian! He had a bit of colic, but other than that, was absolutely fine. The household was smoke-free, and he was breastfed, so his death came as a massive shock. You find yourself desperately looking for a reason when something like this happens, and thinking about what we could have done differently. You drive yourself round the bend. On top of this, with there suddenly being no baby there to breastfeed, it took a physical toll too.
A health visitor came to see me and mentioned The Lullaby Trust (or the Foundation of Sudden Infant Death, FSID, as it was called then). I got in touch with them straight away, because I had so many unanswered questions. They helped me so much, and were so informative and supportive. I found it very therapeutic speaking to them. They told me that if there’s anything I’d like to speak about, to never be afraid to contact them. They were great.
Can you tell me about Allison?
After Craig died, two of my uncles who were GPs, tried to explain that if we wanted more children, we shouldn’t be put off after what happened to Craig. We already had little Joanne, who wasn’t even three at the time, and it would change her life if we didn’t have any more children, as well as mine and Ian’s. We were keen to have another baby.
It was the first anniversary of Craig’s death when I was in hospital with our youngest, Allison. The Lullaby Trust were great at providing me with support to look after Allison. Having Allison gave us more purpose to keep going, even when the grief was unbearable.
She was the most prodded and pushed baby there ever was because we were checking on her so much! I used a monitor with her, and we used the Sheffield weight chart to keep a track of her every day. Thanks to the weight chart, we once noticed that her weight did dip slightly. I phoned the doctor and we found out she had an ear infection. We would not have found this out without the weight chart.
And can you tell me about Joanne?
I think Ian and I both lent on Joanne a lot, subconsciously she gave our lives meaning. She was asking questions about Craig which we had to answer. We had to face our demons.
We had to go on because of Joanne. If we hadn’t already had her, it would’ve been easier to slip into fog. Some families drift apart after an event like this, but we found that Craig’s death made Ian, Joanne and I into an even tighter unit.
Were you supported by those around you after Craig’s death?
Our friends and family were marvellous. They were always there for us, even on the days where we were tempted to just drink wine and make it all go away. They reminded us that doing that wouldn’t make us feel any better.
There was a huge stigma back in the 80s. Generally, my neighbours were great, but once when I was going door to door, collecting money, one lady came to the door and made a comment about how babies who die of cot death are just ‘suffocated by their parents’. I just walked away. I saw similar comments in the papers.
We found that often, people just didn’t know what to say, and sometimes said nothing at all which was fine too. For me, it was always important to talk about Craig.
Can you tell me a bit more about your experience of grief?
It really takes your brain time to adjust. The horror of it is just imprinted in your mind. I remember how the police came to our house the morning Craig died, which felt very weird, but I know is just part of the procedure.
You wait nine months to have the baby, so if your baby dies, you feel that something is missing. And there are constant reminders throughout life that he is still missing.
Grief is so wide-reaching and affected our family members too, not just Ian and I. It’s important to discuss the impact on dads. Ian bottles things up and puts on a face.
He didn’t really seek support, and stopped playing football (something he loves to do) for months. He closed up a bit. I tried to remind him that football could be a relief for him, so he should get back to playing.
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What was especially hard was when I was teaching, I got the year group that would’ve been Craig’s class. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he should have been in that class.
Marjorie
What things do you do to remember Craig, or involve him in your life today?
You never get used to something like this, it changes your life and there’s always a place where it stays. But you learn to live with it. After Craig died, we were keen to do things that were positive. We organised several fundraising walks and door to door collections in the local area, all in Craig’s memory, and we still give monthly to The Lullaby Trust. It’s important to us to feel like we were contributing to the reduction in the numbers of infant deaths. It’s incredible to see just how far the research has come, and how there’s so much more information now about SIDS than there ever was before.
We’ve always talked about Craig, and we have his little toy dog, Doddy, that we keep in the living room, who our grandchildren also love. I also have a ring that I bought in Craig’s memory, and I wear it all the time. We don’t have a lot of photos with him since photos took so long to develop, but we’ve always prized the photos we did have. I don’t want it to be as though Craig was never there.
What would your advice to a recently bereaved parent be?
Every parent has their own way of dealing with grief. I suggest speaking or writing to somebody to find a way of getting your head around it. There is incredible professional support out there, like from The Lullaby Trust, who will never see you as a bother. Some people might not want to seek help because they don’t want to look needy, but I can assure you it’s so empowering to try to come to terms with it and talk to someone who understands.
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Judi’s story
After her son, Adam, died suddenly, Judi found support through The Lullaby Trust. Now, decades on, Judi shares the legacy of hope that Adam’s story inspired, through her work as a befriender.
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