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We offer confidential support to anyone affected by the sudden and unexpected death of a baby or young child.
Tell me a bit about you
I live in Harlow with my children Alfie, Freddie and Savannah (ages thirteen, eight and seven), and my partner and two step-children.
I spend most of my time running my Foundation, Harrison’s Wings. I set it up a few years back in memory of my son, Harrison. I kicked it back off this year for what would’ve been his tenth birthday. It gives me a real sense of purpose running this foundation. It makes me feel like I can still do something for him.
What sort of things do you organise to help bereaved families in your community?
We created a Mother and Baby Garden with a display tree, where parents can go to take a minute and to reflect. We hosted a ribbon display at our local town park for Baby Loss Awareness Week, and hosted an event at the crematorium before the Wave of Light.
Can you tell me more about Harrison?
Harrison was born on 9 October 2015 and weighed 5Ib 5. He was a perfectly healthy little boy. The day before he turned eight weeks old, on 8 December, I woke up to find that Harrison had died in his sleep.
He had died from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). You never think something like this is going to happen to you. I just couldn’t understand how it had happened – SIDS didn’t feel like a proper reason.
I miss Harrison everyday. He loved fairy lights. I used to start early with Christmas and set up the lights, and he would always stare at them and kick his little legs around.
Can you tell me a bit about Freddie and Savannah?
I was pregnant with Freddie shortly after Harrison died. It was a difficult time for me and I wasn’t in a great mental state. When I found out he was a boy, I ran out of the hospital, because it just really triggered me. There were lots more triggers along the way for me.
When Freddie was born, it was a huge relief. I wanted to be happy, and I knew that moment should feel like a blessing, but I felt like I was walking into a nightmare. I was so worried that something might happen to Freddie like it did to Harrison.
Freddie was born with a hole in his heart, so those first few months were an even more anxious time than I had expected. I was very scared already and something like this reignited that fear.
He’s doing absolutely fine now. Freddie is eight now, and he does my head in! He’s a very active little boy – he loves football. He also loves all the Marvel comics. I call him Iron Man, because of his heart.
Then my daughter, Savannah, was born. She got bronchitis and was put into a coma. But she’s also doing just fine now. I knew that throughout the rest of my life there were always going to be triggers. It’s about how you deal with it and your support system. Grief just comes and goes. It can take something really big or really small to put you straight back there.
How did the Care of Next Infant (CONI) Programme support you?
The Lullaby Trust’s CONI programme was the biggest support for me. Having it available for me meant more to me than I can put into words. The support started before Freddie was even born. I was given a breathing monitor so I had it ready in my hospital bag for when he was born, which was such a comfort for me.
I used the monitor for the first six months and then I was offered the mattress monitor, but by that time I didn’t even feel like I needed it too much. The first monitor had already given me such peace of mind. It was like a lifeline.
Being given these monitors was like a miracle. Without it, I don’t think I would’ve been able to be the mum I was. I would’ve spent the night staring at him in the Moses basket to check he is ok. I would’ve had constant fear and paranoia if I would’ve turned my back. I knew that the alarm would sound if he stopped breathing, which made me feel comfortable enough to go and make a cup of tea and then come back. It gave me the strength to close my eyes and rest. During the day, it was the same: knowing it was there allowed me to focus on Freddie and our time together rather than living in constant fear.
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The monitor wasn’t just a piece of equipment; it became part of him, and part of me. It truly was my ‘miracle machine’ for my mental health after losing Harrison. I honestly don’t think I could have managed those months without it. And I know there are so many other people out there like me who are so grateful for the CONI programme.
Paige
Who has helped you through your dark times?
My partner is my support system. We’ve been together for six years and I’ve always felt really blessed. My mum and nan also support me hugely, and I’ve got a whole network of other bereaved mums through my Harrison’s Wings Facebook page. Although you might not realise it, there are so many people around you going through a similar thing.
Grief comes in waves, and it can sometimes come at the littlest moments. Sometimes I can just be looking at the green grass, and I’m reminded that Harrison never got to see it. I might see a pretty sunset, or a new TV programme, and think ‘I wonder if Harrison would’ve liked that’. These moments might feel silly to others, but are so meaningful to me.
I always feel it more at Christmas. It feels more obvious that there is somebody missing. It’s a time where families typically come together so little things often trigger me, and I think about how much I wish Harrison was here. There are so many ‘what ifs’. What if he was here? What if he was opening his presents? I know all the presents my kids would like, but I don’t know what he likes.
Why did you choose to share your story today?
It’s normal for mothers to worry about their baby’s safety – it’s a natural instinct. But when you’re bereaved, this feeling is even more intense and overwhelming. I want other families to know about CONI, and how much of a difference it makes to so many families like mine. Thank you, Lullaby Trust, for providing something that gave me peace of mind and allowed me to enjoy my baby even through such a worrying time.
Discover more
Emlékezés a babára
Having a sense of a continued connection with a baby or young child who died is an important part of navigating grief. This page offers ideas for ways to remember and honour a little one.
A következő csecsemő gondozása (CONI)
We coordinate a national health-visitor led service for bereaved parents, giving hundreds of families peace of mind and support.
Abs’ story
Abs lives in Wirral with his wife, Hayley, and his daughter, Esme. Following the death of his son, Charlie, Abs decided to start fundraising for The Lullaby Trust.
You can support people like Paige
Donate today and your kindness will empower families with trusted and life-saving baby safety advice, as well as providing a supportive space for anyone who has experienced the the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or infant.