Margaret’s story

Tell me a bit about you 

I’m widowed, and I have two grown up children and five wonderful grandchildren. I’ve lived in Scotland my whole life, and I love it here. I just celebrated being 13 years sober yesterday – a huge milestone for me, marking the end of a drinking problem that started when I had my cot death.  

Can you tell me about Brian 

Brian’s lovely little character was really starting to come through. He loved staring at a fish tank! Brian died suddenly and unexpectedly in 1987 when he was four months old. He was absolutely fine when he went to sleep, then all of a sudden, he was dead.  

How did grief impact you throughout your life? 

I experienced panic attacks for a few years. A recent traumatic experience at work brought those back into my life, but I’ve managed to work through them and manage them.  

After Brian’s funeral, I had to move house because I was terrified of the room that I found him in. I also just couldn’t cope with the silence. To this day, when I go to bed I need to have the telly on. I can’t just sit in silence with a book. I think it’s because when I woke up that day, it was the silence that I noticed. I remember saying to my husband ‘Brian’s managing to sleep through the night’.  

I also struggle with mother’s guilt. Brian had a cold before he died, and I’d given him fever relief for babies. Thoughts went through my mind that I’d killed him. I kept thinking that I should’ve known it was going to happen. As a mum, I torture myself. I keep questioning myself and thinking ‘what did I not see?’. It goes on for years. And with SIDS, you don’t really get any answers. 

I also didn’t want to watch any of my grandchildren until they were at least two. I was scared to be responsible of them and felt like I couldn’t take my eyes off them just in case something happened. 

• The responsibility of caring for little ones is a huge fear for me now, all these years later.

From your perspective, how did your husband cope? 

My husband was a bit of a ‘man’s man’, and never really spoke about Brian. Dads need to feel able to show their grief and open up, instead of hiding. 

He told me once, I’d never said to him ‘how are you’. It was always ‘how’s Margaret’. In hindsight, he kept the whole family together. When you’re drinking it’s all about you, so I kept thinking that I went through it, and not him. My husband is called Brian too, so I believe in my soul that both my Brians are together, and this keeps me going. At least he has one of his parents there. I’d tell that to my other kids, and that would give them comfort too.

Can you tell me about your daughter, Cheryl? 

Initially, I felt a bit guilty when I had Cheryl. It was like I was moving on from Brian. It was also particularly difficult when she was born premature at 28 weeks – the same as Brian.

How else did the SCDT support you? 

They gave me a befriender, which was so beneficial. She’d had the exact same experience as me. It was so powerful and amazing to talk to someone who’d been in my shoes. She really understood every feeling and emotion I had. I’d lean back in my chair and think ‘wow, she gets me’. She struggled with alcohol use too, and knew how I felt. The thing about befrienders, is that they don’t work for the trust, they’re just another parent who’s been there.  

I’m a befriender too now, because I decided I wanted to give back. When I speak to other mums, I’m able to answer their hundreds of questions. I know how they feel.